just journaling...

11/28/2015
I just want to be home today.
I do. I'm a little or a lot homesick for my family today.
Why did I stay here 10 years ago when I could've packed it all up and moved back home? For my girls. I did it for my girls. I didn't want them to be fatherless. I didn't want them to grow up not knowing their daddy. So I stayed. I kept them here within 10 miles of their daddy. I realize his presence and having a relationship with him was more important than my comfort zone.
So today I'm homesick for my mama who's trimming shrubs at a lady's house back home who's husband has been diagnosed with cancer.
I wish I could see pregnant Hannah and touch her belly holding that baby inside.
I wish I could hug my brother who's probably in the back yard tinkering .
I would sit with my daddy and watch some TV. probably antique roadshow.
I'd ride down to mama D's and visit with her a while and pick up my care package.
I'd go over to my sissy's and just walk around her beautiful homeplace and probably sit on the deck over the pond and breathe deeply for a while. share a few moments with her...
I'd go see Kar-Kar!!! She's the bomb!! She's so much like Abby when she was a baby. So full of energy and totally entertaining!!! Such an awesome personality.
I'd just tell Corbin she's a beautiful mama and give Court Court a hug and tell her she's just simply beautiful too and Bug better know by now that she's to be treated like a queen and if not, then well...
I'd go to the Bowman cemetery and watch a little bumble bee spin its wings over Bigmama's grave and remind myself of what an awesome legacy I have to be thankful for. Thank God once again for the 94 years and 11months she lived here... the awesome strength and also awesome dependence on Him she always showed me. God, I just miss a lot of stuff today!
I would walk over to Popeye's and stand there looking at the gravel and remind myself what an awesome man and second dad he was to me. This Thanksgiving day he would've been 73! Man, I miss him like crazy...the talks, the advice, the simple love...I miss it all! I'd be sure the John Deer tractor was still there and if it wasn't I'd go to the Dollar General and get another one...
I'd drop by my brother Scott's and check out all his Christmas decorations I've heard he's already got out and I'm sure it looks fabulous.
And I'd just be home. Where today my heart is. I'd just enjoy being with my family and hearing their loudness and being in the midst of the crazy for a while.
Hug my family for me today God, I'm a little homesick...

A Day of thanks...

Today we Americans celebrate Thanksgiving...the coming together of pilgrims looking for religious freedom and native americans already living in the land of the free...

I am thankful... I am thankful for the things we so often never as Americans give a second thought to. I haven't always been thankful for these things I'm about to mention, but if life has taught me anything it has taught me above all else, be thankful...

I had nothing to do with the fact that I was born here with the many blessings I sit here enjoying today. It's called grace=unmerited favor.

I saw a picture this morning that reminded me of love that gives sacrificially...I can hear the one boy saying to the other even now, "I'll wear the left one, you wear the right one, that way we each have at least one and together we will always make a pair."

My goodness, if that isn't love! When I say those words, "if that isn't love", I'm reminded of my favorite hymn we sang as a choir in that baptist church growing up by that title. It talks about how Jesus left the splendor of heaven knowing his destiny was the lonely hill of Golgotha, there to lay down his life for me...If that isn't love, the ocean is dry, if that isn't love, there's no stars in the sky... I still love that song! If you know it, you'll now be humming it all day thanks to me ;-)... if you don't google it!

You and I may have never had to share a pair of shoes and probably never will, but we can be thankful, so thankful for love like that and first and foremost for a savior who really did leave an amazing place called heaven where I believe the streets really are paved with gold, or something even better we've never seen, and he really did lay his life down for me and you to live a beautiful life of purpose. I believe he really did get up out of that grave on the third day so that me and you could get up out of any death causing thing of this life.

So today, I'm most thankful for Jesus my Redeemer, the one who gave me a second chance and third chance and... you get the point, but he gave me the opportunity to live again. He's so good!

I'm thankful for two amazing, beautiful-inside and outside- daughters...
I'm thankful for a family who loves and supports me and each other. We're tight and that's the way I like it...
I'm thankful for the sun that shines down on my deck today...it's almost 60 already!!
I'm thankful for Wal-mart who has employed me for 18 years on Dec 1! and so thankful for a very understanding manager when it comes to this single mom shared custody scheduling stuff!!!
I'm thankful for a toilet...that flushes, that gets dirty and gets clogged, but most of the time it flushes...so thankful!
I'm thankful for a bed, a warm cozy bed and Elizabeth's stuffed animal bear that she left behind for me to snuggle with over the next few days.
I'm thankful for a home, a washer and dryer, a dishwasher even, running water-good drinkable running water...
Food, Stop Hunger Now who gives food to those without, greenhouses behind the school in the Segera that provide food and funding for the teachers there. Electricity, lights I can cut on and cut off...heat when it's cold and ac when it's hot...
Coffee...Coffee...Coffee!!!! God bless the coffee farmers all over the world! I love the fruit of you labor!
Firepits, fireplaces, bondfires, campfires...I love the look, smell and sound of a good fire.
A car...
My healing...my healing that has taken place and is taking place...
Shoes on my feet, both my feet...
I really could sit here all day. I'm sure you could too. We are blessed. We are both so very blessed not just for the material things we have been given, but also for the eternal things. The things we can't see here on earth...
I'm reminded that today I enjoy my blessings because of a God who says, "My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts" so there's possibly a reason, I may not always think of, as to why I have been so blessed. Why you have been so blessed...Could it possibly be that today, this Thanksgiving Day 2015 you and I begin to think deeply, think a little higher, ponder for a moment as we give thanks that we, maybe we have been blessed to be a blessing to someone else...What would our good God have us to pass on...Peace, love, kindness, a pair of shoes, a coat, a turkey...whatever it is pass it on...be a blessing. It's not about me being blessed. It's not about you being blessed. It's about using what we have to be a blessing...

Happy Thanksgiving as we find ways to pass it on!
Lenee

Hello, my name is Lenee, I am a self-sufficient, bull-headed, stubborn, strongwilled, independent woman...

"Hello, Lenee," You respond....

And so we begin this support group...

I just have to say, I don't know what God is up to in this heart, head and life of mine. He is good though, I  do know that. He's been showing me so much over the past few weeks.

Just the other day, I felt him ask me why I won't just let him take care of me. Isn't that what every wife wants? Just to be taken care of by her husband? And if he's my husband like I say he is then  why can't I just let go and let him take care of me....My response was, hmmm that's such an awesome question God...why we gotta have this conversation today? The prodding continued and the question continued to linger in my head until I was able to say, ok why don't I just let you take care of me? What is it that hinders me from letting go and letting you take it?... I finally came up with a few things...

Over the past ten years of my single mom life I have become a self-sufficient, bull-headed, stubborn, strongwilled, independent woman!! I lack the ability to trust and I choose to do it myself with the fear of somebody else (even God) doing it for me and not getting it right... Yes, I said it. I am a control freak in many ways and a protector and shielder of my girls above many things. I hear the first step to recovery is recognition and admission...so, I begin here with you hearing my confession and waiting on God to show me steps two through twelve.

I don't want to be this same person a year from now or even a day from now...

When we would do spring cleaning growing up (which I hated mind you) we would have the house so messed up and I would be like, "mama, it looks so much worse now!" She would say, "sometimes you gotta mess it all up to clean up." Well, the only way I think I can put into words what I'm feeling right now is that I'm messed up (in a good way-I think) and I'm gonna choose to trust my good God to clean this mess up...oh and can I say I still hate spring cleaning!!!!

So, I just invite you this morning to ride this thing out with me. It's time for me to get raw, real and vulnerable under theses palm trees and allow my God to do what he is so good at doing... reworking and making me what I ought to be.... and just maybe some of the things he does in me will be some of the things he wants to do in you. There's a song we used to sing growing up in my little Baptist church in Ga and it's called "He's still working on me". I've been singing and humming it ever since a muddy, really muddy, day in Kenya a couple of Mondays ago... I'll be sharing about that day soon, but for now let's just sing, "it took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars, how loving and patient he must be....

he's still working on me",
Lenee

To trust or not to trust...that is the question

To trust...

Recently I was given the opportunity to share about trust at a Kenya planning retreat. I wanted to share my thoughts on my blog also in hopes someone who struggles with the issue of trust like myself may find it encouraging. 

Let me just say I like to talk more than I like to type but here goes trying to put my words on this keyboard.... :)

Trust...
What does it truly mean to trust?
What is trust?
How do we trust? How do we truly trust our God?

Trust="To believe that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective; To have confidence in; To believe something is true or correct; To hope or expect that something is true or will happen."

So, if trust has to with belief then how do we believe:

Things that I think affect the way we believe:

-Perception-the way we see things, our perspective from where we are in our own journey of faith, our view...I never get on a plane when I'm not reminded of our great God and His perspective on our lives and this world we live in! The thought that He sees it all, knows it all yet takes time and wants to know and be with me blows me away...so think about that for a few moments the next time you hit those friendly skies, let Him come close and listen for His voice to speak tenderly to you along the way...

-Experiences-past experiences alter our perspective, perception and view...Whether good or bad they play a huge part in choosing to trust

-Knowledge- of God's Word, the Bible; Of who He is, our creator, the great craftman He is and His character

-Foundation- Is it secure and solid or shifting like the sand on the seashore, that washes away with every wave?

-The fear vs faith factor- we will find ourselves on one side or the other

So in order to illustrate what I feel God showing me about trust I will use a chair... picture a chair, possibly a chair you may be sitting in now...or will sit in...you just sat down didn't you? You didn't question it's ability to hold you or to remain stable and secure...you just sat down. Possibly because you've sat down in it before, it has held you in the past, you may have bought the chair and thought it to be of good craftsmanship and fully capable to do what it was made to do....hold you...

Now, picture a chair that looks somewhat like a small hammock with a wooden bar at the top, a big silver ring and cloth tied to it and to top it all off, I'm standing here holding it with my own two hands... Will you come sit in it??? Come on, sit down, I got it, I got this.....Ok probably not and for several reasons...One being, you probably doubt I can hold you up; two, you may not have ever seen a chair like it before; three, you have no idea who made the chair nor their experience or worthiness of craftsmanship.

So when it comes to trusting our good God, I just want to encourage each of us, myself especially, to think of several things so that we can make the choice to trust...He has held me in the past, He's a strong enough God, His Word is true and His promises will be fulfilled, I know the Creator is good at what He does, and there is a solid foundation on which He stands.

Now, back to the hammock chair... if it were bolted to a sturdy wooden plank and you new it was crafted with precision and made to hold you...wouldn't you give it a try? wouldn't you even think, man this is pretty cool and have a little fun sitting in it? Something new, something different and something even a bit exciting...

God is able to hold us! He is anchored and not gonna let us down. He is made to hold everything, every weight we carry around weighing us down and wearing us out. We just have to choose to sit down, sit in His lap and choose to trust in Him. In His Word, God says that to each He has given a level of faith. We take that level of faith, choose to believe His promises, Get in His Word to know Him more so that we know who our Creator is and we begin to believe it...As we begin to believe, we are able to make the choice to trust. 

I keep saying we make the choice to trust, because from my experience there are many times when trust is not a feeling or a thing that just comes natural to me. I have come to think the number one thing the enemy of our souls is out to accomplish is to destroy our ability or desire to trust-others, ourselves and our God...I hate to say he is good at it too. That's why it's so important that we make the choice and not rely on our feelings, past hurts or bad experiences we've suffered in this life and know that we serve a God who is good! Real good! This world is bad and we go through bad stuff, stuff I'll never understand, but our God is good. His sovereignty can be trusted. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes for them." He can and will hold us, tight!

Proverbs 3:5&6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart (mind,will and emotions); do not depend on your own understanding (past experiences in this world, perceptions, knowledge). Seek his will (not my own) in all you do (the light stuff and the heavy stuff), and he will direct your paths (he will even go before us, behind us and stay right beside us along that path)".

Choose to trust Him like never before. Know that He is strong enough, He is loving enough, He is worthy enough to take us along this path we call life...

Going with Jesus wherever he leads,

Lenee

In the Desert He Becomes 'My Husband' instead of 'My Master'

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. 
"In that coming day," says the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'  Hosea 2:14-16 NLT

It just got real for me all over again...

I just have to be real when I pour myself over these words that follow. I'll become vulnerable in hopes that His Words will be light to someone else's darkness. The Light always, always takes over the darkness.

You see, I sit here with tears streaming down my face because for over a week now, the words you just read from Hosea have been turning in my mind and spirit and have felt they would be what I would blog about next. I now know why the enemy has distracted me and tried to put this off yet another day. As I sat down to begin typing the verses, not fully knowing how to convey this passage I glanced to see when God first showed me these words in Hosea. I'm a bit overwhelmed right now because one of the dates, the earliest,  I had noted by this passage was the day my divorce became final almost ten years ago. And yes, after ten years I need to be reminded of these words. My God has been amazingly faithful over the past ten years and my story didn't begin there, nor does it end there... in the desert...

As I ran this morning, I began to ask myself and ponder yet again, 'what is it about the desert?...what is it that makes the change from 'master' to 'husband'?... why do we ever need the desert experiences of life? ... what's so life changing? what makes the difference?...'

As I asked those questions, I decided I could best try to figure it out by looking at the desert...what makes a desert a desert?  What did my desert look like?

Dry, dusty, windy, hot, scorching hot, uncomfortable, barren, lonely, not much food, even less water, prickly things, painful things....

But not alone, there was someone with me...I still don't understand this part, but the word says, 'He leads us out into the desert', so that must mean He's there with me too.

I believe sometimes, or should I say for me, it was then that I was able to give Him my attention. Yes, there were still times in my desert that I went looking for companionship, food, and rest in places my God never intended... It's called "the flesh" and yet I still am sitting here covered in it today, but today I realized this flesh also has a second covering over it called "grace" and that's why I am able to sit here and say how faithful my good God is because I am in Christ Jesus and what he has done for me.

When we are lead to the desert places, it somehow gets our attention. I don't know if it's because we finally get thirsty for God or because we finally are able to remove all the distractions. But what I do know is in the desert we do get thirsty, we do get hot and tired, we do get hungry and there's one person who's there no matter what and that's our God and His Word. For that, I am forever grateful.

But what else is it about the desert that changes us? I love the next thing the one who leads us into the desert does... He speaks tenderly to us there. He begins to say, 'I got you, we got this. I really am enough, just trust me. I have brought enough food and I have enough water to sustain you through this desert. Just trust me, I am your Source.' He speaks tenderly because everything else in the world is shouting to get our attention and get us sidetracked and distracted. He speaks tenderly as if in an intimate voice of unconditional love. He speaks tenderly because that's his heart for his beloved. He loves us so much that he tenderly whispers instead of barking out orders demanding things of us.

He then returns our vineyards. That's good to me... See as he lead us out into the desert we sometimes have to leave a lot of stuff behind... stuff... relationships, our old identity, jobs, material things...our vineyards, the things we thought brought us sustanance and provision...Vineyards back then were a source of life, provision and blessings. When we arrive in our deserts we may think all that has been taken away, but I love that God's word says he RETURNS our vineyards! He gives back and I believe since it is from Him it's even better than before. The vineyards he returns are our source of life, provision and blessing greater than anything we could've previously experienced. Is the desert sometimes still painful? Yes. Is it sometimes hard work? Yes. Anyone who owns a vineyard will tell you it's hardwork, oh but it's so worth it!! It's so worth the pruning, the picking, the crushing and the time spent in the lonely barrel fermenting. It's so worth allowing God to produce the New Wine in us.

Then there's a transformation that takes place. The Valley of Trouble is transformed into a gateway of hope. A door of hope in the middle of a desert!!! That's so good to me. So when I find myself in a "valley of trouble" I now begin to look for the door of hope!! He promises it is there somewhere. The transformation process makes something totally different out of what there was before. Begin looking for the door of hope instead of wandering aimlessly in those valleys of trouble we find ourselves in sometimes.

Then, eventhough we may still be in the desert, we finally give ourselves to him, our LORD. We give ourselves to him once again like we did in the beginning, when we were young, maybe when our marriage first begun, when we knew we had been rescued from Egypt. Sometimes in the desert we have to still remind ourselves of what God has done already. Remind ourselves of the times he came through and provided time and time again, remind ourselves of his promises and how he will not leave us nor forsake us. Remind ourselves of the love and passion we had for our God when we first came into relationship with him. If you don't have that relationship, you can, right now, just say 'I want it, God, I want you, I want you and me. I'm tired of this desert and trying to fend for myself and find food and water on my own. I want what you have. I want my vineyards returned, the ones you have for me, I want to see and walk through my door of hope.'  Oh, my friend, he will meet you there. You will feel his loving arms around you and hear him speaking tenderly to you there. He loves you and me more than we can ever imagine.

That's when it happens, we throw ourselves on our God in such a way that we feel his loving embrace, we let go of what we've been so desperately holding onto and we allow him to give us new vineyards, new passion and new hope. We see him and hear him speaking tenderly like never before, and that's when we know it, that's when we realize his love is greater than anything. We choose to trust him. We choose to believe in Him...We choose Jesus and realize he has chosen us to be his very own. We realize we are in relationship based on love, pure love and not demands and laws. We realize Jesus fulfilled the law and has given us love, so much love... and that's when it happens, that's we call him 'my husband' instead of 'my master'.

Be blessed today in the grace of our Savior, our Redeemer who lives, I call him my Husband.

There are Hidden Treasures to be Found

There was this vase. It was tucked away in a box and stored away in a dark attic for quite a while. Then one day someone decided to go through all the stuff that had been long ago hidden away, left undisturbed, in that dark place. When the vase was uncovered they took a long look at, rubbed the dust off and thought, 'hmmm, this may be of some worth'....

And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness----secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of  Israel, the one who calls you by name. 
Isaiah 45:3

What if we began to see the darkness of this world in a new "light"? What if we, who carry the greatest Light ever to be known, begin to see the darkness in a new way? What if, instead of being afraid of the dark, we begin to realize that we have the light and that the light always takes over the darkness. What if we begin to realize that the darker the place the brighter the light shines? What if we begin to look for the hidden treasures that are all around? What if we begin to uncover the secret riches that have been forgotten about and stored away?

I simply sit here this morning and write this to challenge myself and anyone who reads this. We gotta begin the greatest treasure hunt ever. Greater and more exciting than any treasure Nicholas Cage could ever think of. This is a treasure hunt that will challenge each of us to begin to look for the hidden treasures and the secret riches in any darkness we encounter instead of shaking our heads and walking away. I want to be able to see those things that God has placed inside every precious heart of every important person I encounter. God has placed it inside of me, you and every person we encounter whether we or they have found it yet or not.

I pray this day that we will begin to uncover the hidden treasure, the secret riches that lie forgotten about and stored away in the attics of hearts and lives that we encounter every day. Begin to see with the light God has given and shine it on the darkness. Speak life. Shine the light.

The vase ended up on the Antiques Road Show...the vase was discovered to be made of pure jade...the vase, when observed from the point of view of a person who knew the artist, its creator, and its content, the vase was given great value. The vase had been long hidden, forgotten about, but now it would be on display, it would be insured, it would be valued, it would be kept safe and sound....

When we know the Artist and Creator of every person we encounter, we too will assign great value and worth to every precious soul. We will begin to see the treasures hidden away, purposes that haven't been known before, potential stored up for a great plan that was devised before this world was created. When we realize who we are in Christ Jesus, we begin to realize we are of worth and value. We begin to know that God has created us with His own hands. We are His masterpieces. We are insured by the blood of Jesus when we simply choose to believe in His redeeming grace. We are kept safe in the palm of His hands...

No doubt, there is darkness all around. We encounter it every day. Whether it be a life circumstance, relationships, places or people, my prayer today is that we will begin to look at the darkness with this new thought and determination: Since there's darknesss, there's got to be a hidden treasure, there's got to be secret riches... then begin the treasure hunt to find it, to allow God to reveal it, to shine the Light on it...to become rich from the secret treasures that are ours in Christ Jesus.

I Pledge Allegiance

"I pledge allegiance to God the Father who is faithful and sovereign, to Jesus Christ who paid the ultimate price redeeming my life and to Holy Spirit who speaks to me and through me, who is my Constant Companion."

These are words I jotted down after worship at Hope Chapel on Sunday morning June 14. I, at the time, had no idea why the word "allegiance" and what it truly means kept coming to my mind during worship. I got into my own little world with my God and began to pledge my "allegiance" to him. The word has been on my mind for almost two weeks now and I'm beginning to see why. I will share with an open heart and a love and desire for God to be glorified.

I knew that Sunday morning God had put that word into my spirit and I would eventually sit down and google what the word "allegiance" means. That was just a few minutes ago and I love, love, love my God and the way he speaks.

Allegiance: An allegiance is a duty of fidelity said to be owed, or freely committed, by the people, subjects or citizens of their state or sovereign. -Wikipedia

He is the Sovereign One I pledge my allegiance to. His heaven is my state of which I am a citizen. My fidelity (fidelity: quality of being faithful or loyal-wikipedia) is owed and freely committed to being in Christ Jesus, in whom I am made whole and complete.

In the midst of the tragedy in Charleston, my heart broke this morning as I finally sat down to read about what happened to those beautiful people in that beautiful church worshipping and learning about our beautiful sovereign God on that beautiful Wednesday night. I pray for healing that only our God can bring. My heart breaks to think also that our nation can be so torn apart. I pray for healing that only our God can bring. The fact is that I am an American and thankful to be one. I am a white southerner and that will never change. The fact is that I also had nothing to do with either of those things. I didn't choose to be born to Ben and Linda Rice in a small town in Georgia in the United States of America. I had NOTHING to do with it. God sovereignly chose all of those things. He decided. He decided where all of us would be born and what color skin all of us would wear and he said, "It is good!" In the midst of tragedy of this magnitude the enemy of this world would love to cause us to hurt even more. That's why I choose to trust that God knows what he is doing today and knew what he was doing in the beginning. I hate the things that have happened in our past and I also know they cannot be changed. I also know and believe that all things can work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes.

So today, I encourage myself once again and anyone reading to think about what or whom we really choose to pledge our allegiance to. Is it really a flag we pledge to? Eventhough I get chills and place my hand over my heart every single time I hear the national anthem of our country, it is not my hope. It is not where I put my faith and trust. I pledge to something greater, someone greater. I pledge my life of service, faithfulness and loyalty to the One True God who is beautifully sovereign, who is my hope, who is my redeemer, who is my Constant Companion. I pray you would choose the same.

I believe when we do this, our nation will come together and be healed. God will be glorified again and Jesus will become known and we will be in him, not ourselves. Our God is greater. The light we have is greater than the darkness we face. We're not alone in this Nation under God, Nothing is too hard for our God.

"We're Not Alone" by Elevation Worship